Admission

*this post is not a cheery one*

I have an eating disorder.

I don't know what it is, if it has a name, but I have one. I think about food all the time. I want to eat all the time. I eat when I'm not hungry and I keep eating when I'm not full. I'm a TERRIBLE lapbander.

I've just finished reading Portia De Rossi's book "Unbearable Lightness", which is the story of her struggle with anorexia and also her sexuality. I recommend anyone read it!

I may not have ever had anorexia (far from it!) but I could relate to a lot of what she talked about in the book. My mind has certainly flirted with bulimia on occasion, mostly since being banded. I've thought about eating stuff then throwing it up or PBing so that I could taste the food but not put on weight. I haven't done it, but I've toyed with the idea.

About food taking up such a huge part of her brain, being such a big part of her life.

About the constant thinking about weight and worrying about it.

About worrying what other people think of her.

About how it just takes over your life, that your weight and food and diet and how you look is what defines you and IS your life in some ways.

A long time ago I was in an abusive relationship. After that, I started putting on weight. Being fat would protect me. No guy would be interested in me if I was fat. So I couldn't get hurt again. It just kept going. Of course I didn't know that then (wouldn't we all change things if we knew then what we knew now??), but I can see that's what happened.

The trouble is is that it became ingrained. It seeped into my mind and taught me a way of life I suppose.

I got used to it. I grew comfortable with the way I was.

Now, even though I have reached the halfway to goal mark, I am sabotaging myself. I'm letting myself slip back into old habits. Eating the wrong stuff, at the wrong times, and not exercising enough.

This weight loss journey is bringing up a lot of emotions in me and it's very difficult. I have a lot to deal with and the weight is simply the icing on the cake.

My real healing has to begin within before I can go any further. Trouble is, I'm scared of looking in to see what needs healing. :( What will it release? What if I can't fix it? I'm scared. I'm so scared of failing I'm stopping trying.

I just don't even know what to say, I've said so much here but there is SO MUCH MORE to say.

I'm scared.

*sigh*

OK I've just been Googling and maybe it is Binge Eating Disorder?? This describes how I feel perfectly. :( I think I'll check out the OA website.

NSV!

I can squat!! I didn't realise! I haven't done it in so long as my knees just didn't cope, but I can squat!! Didn't hurt at all!

Yay for another Non-Scale Victory!!

Worth it

It must have been about 18 months ago when I was at a friends house and my son got bitten by a jumping jack and she ran to his rescue as I just wasn't able to run to him quick enough.

That was what finally pushed me to making the decision about doing something about my weight and getting a lap band.

Today my son fell off his bike, and I RAN to pick him up and cuddle him.

Today, every cent of the $10,000 spent on that surgery, and every time I've turned down a food I've wanted, and every time I've thrown up a food that got stuck, and every drop of sweat at the gym and every tear shed, was proven WORTH IT.

Couple of things...

I thought I'd update that my surgeon wasn't too disappointed in my very slow weight loss, he said it's still good I haven't put it on. He gently reminded me about snacking etc. ;) I was honest with him, which felt good. No fill, and back in 3 months.

AND I've finally got below the next kg barrier, now I'm 94.8kg.

And one last thing. As one friend described me, I must be "a special kind of crazy" as I signed up for THIS:

What have I done?? LOL!!! For my non-Aussie readers, The Commando is from our The Biggest Loser. He's ex SAS Army and is now a trainer and is as hard on everyone as he appears in that photo.

Damn, he's cute though!! ;)

The real reason I did it is that he expects everyone to perform the best they can, whatever level that is. And I want to find out what that level is with me. I need him yelling at me, yelling in my ear, making me scared, making me FIRE UP!!

Time to do some measurements

Since my weight doesn't seem to want to move below 95kg, nor my brain & emotions want to behave with eating properly, I thought I'd see how the measurements were going.

16 March 2010:

* Chest 132cm
* Waist 133cm
* Hips 129cm
* Butt 131cm

29 April 2010:

* Chest 125cm
* Waist 129cm
* Hips 120cm
* Butt 127cm

1 July 2010:

* Chest 120cm
* Waist 121cm
* Hips 116cm
* Butt 124cm

18 December 2010:

* Chest 120cm
* Waist 117cm
* Hips 112cm
* Butt 120cm

31 March 2011:

* Chest 116cm
* Waist 114.5cm
* Hips 110cm
* Butt 118.5cm

That makes me feel a bit better, to know that even if the weight isn't going down my shape is.

Off for my regular surgeon visit this afternoon. I don't think I'll get a fill as my issues aren't hunger, they're mental and emotional issues. But I'll show him these stats for sure!!

NSV

I'm starting to see my cheekbones!!

So...

Honest answers please - if you have a bad day and you eat stuff you shouldn't be eating, do you end up eating MORE bad stuff because you've already broken the "diet" anyway, or do you say to yourself "oh well, that was just one thing the rest of the day was good"???

I'll admit, usually... I'm the former. :(

Food has SUCH a hold on me still. :(

Back to basics

Here is a GREAT post from a fellow lapbander, and well timed. I FAIL at all the lapband rules. :(

Dinnerland: Back to basics-- how I'm doing

The problem with compliments

I've lost 32kg in a year, and dropped from an AUS size 26 to an 18, so of course I get compliments from people who I haven't seen in a while (and those I have too).

But while I appreciate and relish every compliment I get, they come with a negative consequence.

It normalises my current weight.

Size 18 in AUS is not that unusual. It's overweight (I'm not talking stupid BMI here but social acceptance levels), but it's common. So all these compliments, and being called "skinny" (obviously just in comparison) is doing NO good at all to my headspace.

People tell me how great I look and I believe them! I certainly feel better physically than before, and know I look better too.

But the problem is I have a long way to go still. I am NOT at a healthy weight yet, and I DO need to get back into gear and lose another 25-30kg. Which I'm not doing well at right now.

I am completely stuck again in my mental battle. I lasted about a week with my renewed fervour for weight loss and fitness and have very easily slipped back into bad ways.

7 Ways of Losing Weight that Actually Work

7 Ways of Losing Weight that Actually Work

No throwing them out today

I don't need to smash up the scales or throw them out the window today. Monday weigh in puts me at 95.2 which is DOWN BABY!!! :P

My program and update photos

I had a program written up (FINALLY LOL) for me at the gym the other day. I went off today and did it and got through it. Some bits were easier, some were harder.

But I thought I'd record it here so that in the future I can come back and see how far I've come.

Warm Up:
10 minutes easy cardio (usually walking)

FOR THE FOLLOWING:
Sets 2-3
Rep Range 12-15

On the machines:
Seated Leg Press 25kg
Calf Raise 5kg
Chest Press 12kg
Pectoral Flies 12kg
Seated Row 12kg
Lat Pull Down 13.5kg
Tricep Push Down 9kg

On the fit ball:
Frontal Raise 2kg
Lateral (side) Raise 2kg
Shoulder Press 2kg
Bicep Curl 2kg
Fitball Rollout
Fitball Circles (hips)
Fitball 4 Way Tilt (hips)
Seated Knee Lift or Extension

On the mat:
Alternate Leg Tap or Extension

Cool down:
10 minutes easy cardio

Anyway, I managed all that today, it took me around 60 minutes but I skipped the second lot of cardio (that would take it to about 70 minutes all up). There were a couple of exercises, like the Lat Raise, Frontal Raise and Seated Knee Lift/Extension that I only managed 2 sets of 15 but everything else was 3 sets of 15 (the calf raise I only *just* managed that many, I was BURNING baby!!!).

So I plan on doing that at least once a week, and the Body Sculpt class once a week, swimming for 25 minutes while my son is in his swimming lesson and then cardio once a week too. Not sure if I can do all that, usually I only get to the gym (excluding the swim) 3 times per week. So it will be a combination of those things probably. I do need to keep up the cardio.

I thought I'd take a couple of photo's today, as I felt fairly good in what I was wearing to the gym.

This is what I wore to the gym (pants size 16 top size 18):

And this is me again today, in that outfit, and ALSO in the size 26AUS cargo pants that I used to wear pre-band!!

I am really glad I kept these so I can get in them and show myself I HAVE done a good job!!

Ilustrated BMI categories

BMI is such a crappy tool for measuring our success.

Look at these pictures.

Illustrated BMI categories





Those people are supposedly OBESE!!!



And this one - 5lb shy of obese??????













All the ones above were OVERWEIGHT according to their BMI? How ridiculous!

You get the drift. BMI is a load of crap.

You darn young'uns!

I realised today one of the reasons for my disappointment in myself.

I'm comparing apples to oranges.

I see the amazing and quick weight loss of a few of my younger bandit friends, like JC and AlyceJo and get insanely jealous of how quickly and seemingly easily their weight drops.

Then I thought to myself well no wonder. They don't have the metabolism of a 39 year old woman, they haven't had kids, they don't have to run a business a house and look after kids at the same time (frees up a lot more time for working off the weight) and they don't have to cook for a family.

I'm certainly not discounting the effort you younger girls put in, I admire how you do it!! I am just posting this to remind myself, and other "oldies" like me, that sometimes it's just circumstance and life that make for the difference in our weight loss, not actually our ability or our will power.

I AM ADDING SOMETHING!!

I have hurt AlyceJo. I'm really sorry. :( I'll post here what I said to her on her blog.

Hey AlyceJo.

I'm sorry my post came out the way it did. The reasoning behind it was more for me to stop comparing my loss with your (or other younger people's) loss, as our circumstances really are different.

IN NO WAY did I intend to put down the effort you've put in. I've been, and still am, so proud of how far you've come - I've loved being with you from the start.

So I am honestly sorry that what I said hurt you. I didn't intend to and I wish I didn't.

The reminder was for myself that I shouldn't compare myself with ANYONE as we are all different.

Sorry AlyceJo. :(

Flat land

So everyone - what have you done to get off your plateau? My will power is still fairly low so I know I'm not perfect with what I eat nor how much of it (but fairly close to target, not *too* bad) but I'm finding budging anything at the moment (well, the last few months) hard.

I have finally broken through to 95.8kg today which is good, trying to get under 96kg was a battle. I'm a size 18 which is great compared to where I started at a 26!!

I'm exercising, although a bit of it is possibly more toning than cardio stuff, or a bit of a combination, so maybe I'm building muscle. And that's good. But I need to get the balance right.

I eat a little more than I should in a serving but it's not due to hunger so I wonder if a fill would help at all, given my surgeon says you only need a fill if you're hungry.

Crap it's the same sort of stuff I was dealing with pre-band but just in smaller portions! I think I really do know what to do but don't have the motivation to do it. Maybe budging weight is actually easier than budging our mind. ;)

Maybe clutching at straws here but has anyone used some of the appetite suppressant/metabolism stimulant drugs with a lap band?

Lap band for this lady?

Something tells me this lady won't be rushing off to get a lap band. ;)

ROFL!! I wish THAT were the reason I'd got so fat!!!

Week one weigh in

So it's the end of week one since re-committing myself and going for the goal.

And the scales say...


96.4kg.

Woop-de-flippin-do.

600gms in a week. I fluctuate that much normally when I'm not even trying.

All that effort this week for 600gms. Yep, that GIANT fish worth.

I've stuck reasonably close to a 1200calorie a day diet, I've done heaps at the gym, stopped drinking whilst eating.

Yes, it's a loss, yes, I know the first week might be slow but still, I feel FLAT. And being an emotional eater, all I want to do is eat something bad to feel better. :(

Woop-de-do

Bah meh poo-bum.

Scales.

5 days of hard trying.

No thrilling results, no more than any other week.

Need I say more.

Update on my efforts so far

Well I'm proud I didn't cave in on the first day! LOL! Not the second either - so far. ;)

Seriously, I've done well being "back on the wagon", my eating has been so much better, and I've even been recording it at My Fitness Pal (that's where my ticker comes from, and I have the iPhone app too). That's been helpful to see where my calories etc are coming from. I know I have too many carbs and I'm trying to increase my protein but right now I'm not too worried.

I've been hungry, but that's the pain of my body eating all the fat (that's how I choose to look at it). And I should never have got back in the habit of eating after dinner, that one is proving the hardest to break. But I WILL!

I've booked in for my program to be set up at the gym next Tuesday. My visit today was great, I felt really good going and afterwards.

Anyway all good so far!

Day one

Day one of being on track and I'm doing ok so far. Muesli for lunch, 2x S&V rice cakes for snack and avocado, chicken & fresh corn roll for lunch. No drinking during meals either! For me, that's good. LOL!

Only halfway through the day so far but going well!

Weigh in put me at 97kg so that means 34kg to get to goal (unless goal is changed as I get closer, as BMI is so vague I'm only taking a guess at a goal weight, it's more like size 14 is my goal) which is approximately 1.5kg per week. Not an easy task, but I'll try. :)