Admission

*this post is not a cheery one*

I have an eating disorder.

I don't know what it is, if it has a name, but I have one. I think about food all the time. I want to eat all the time. I eat when I'm not hungry and I keep eating when I'm not full. I'm a TERRIBLE lapbander.

I've just finished reading Portia De Rossi's book "Unbearable Lightness", which is the story of her struggle with anorexia and also her sexuality. I recommend anyone read it!

I may not have ever had anorexia (far from it!) but I could relate to a lot of what she talked about in the book. My mind has certainly flirted with bulimia on occasion, mostly since being banded. I've thought about eating stuff then throwing it up or PBing so that I could taste the food but not put on weight. I haven't done it, but I've toyed with the idea.

About food taking up such a huge part of her brain, being such a big part of her life.

About the constant thinking about weight and worrying about it.

About worrying what other people think of her.

About how it just takes over your life, that your weight and food and diet and how you look is what defines you and IS your life in some ways.

A long time ago I was in an abusive relationship. After that, I started putting on weight. Being fat would protect me. No guy would be interested in me if I was fat. So I couldn't get hurt again. It just kept going. Of course I didn't know that then (wouldn't we all change things if we knew then what we knew now??), but I can see that's what happened.

The trouble is is that it became ingrained. It seeped into my mind and taught me a way of life I suppose.

I got used to it. I grew comfortable with the way I was.

Now, even though I have reached the halfway to goal mark, I am sabotaging myself. I'm letting myself slip back into old habits. Eating the wrong stuff, at the wrong times, and not exercising enough.

This weight loss journey is bringing up a lot of emotions in me and it's very difficult. I have a lot to deal with and the weight is simply the icing on the cake.

My real healing has to begin within before I can go any further. Trouble is, I'm scared of looking in to see what needs healing. :( What will it release? What if I can't fix it? I'm scared. I'm so scared of failing I'm stopping trying.

I just don't even know what to say, I've said so much here but there is SO MUCH MORE to say.

I'm scared.

*sigh*

OK I've just been Googling and maybe it is Binge Eating Disorder?? This describes how I feel perfectly. :( I think I'll check out the OA website.